There is this point in marathon when you are done. When your body is spent and your motivation zapped. When even your desire to reach the finish line, to win, to get what you’ve come for becomes less attractive then just stopping.
And I’ve felt that urge lately…to just stop, to hide, to sleep, to run. Even in this moment, amidst so much growth, creativity and momentum, I have a fantasy of getting in my car and just driving to nowhere.
And when I sit with that feeling, I wonder how much of that is burn-out and how much of that is being scared straight (or both).
One of the things I am learning about myself in this process is that I am really good at starting. I love to launch, pivot, transform, grow. But to stay with the stuck-ness or the uncertainty of what’s next or not-knowing how to solve a problem or overcome an obstacle is downright intolerable for me. I need movement, change, distraction…anything but stuck.
And then I remember what Hala Khouri always talks about in her classes…When you are in that Warrior 2 pose for three minutes too long and you are trying to think up any reason/excuse to exit. Commitment is what kicks in when you are sick of it. When it is no longer exciting and fresh. Commitment is required when the shit hits the fan. When you can’t see the finish line. When you just don’t know what to do. Commitment is when you STAY anyway. Another one of my teachers, Max Strom, says that the moment you want to get out of a pose is the moment that pose begins. Commitment is to begin again.
“The irony of commitment is that it is deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny from your inner critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as a rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.” Anne Morris
And so here begins the real work. It is not just a commitment to stay. It is a commitment to self – to believing in why you are here, to trusting in all that you don’t yet know, and to being IN the process until what is next is revealed.