the medium.

“Out beyond the ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.” Rumi

 

Being broken (sacrum) has required me to discover a whole new yoga practice.  Of course there is how to navigate the limitations, respond to the pain, respect my healing. But I think the most profound shift in my practice has been in the way in which it has required me to respect the in between. Because it is not the poses themselves that are risky, but rather how I transition in and exit out. The in between is where it all happens. And that could not be more true in my life off the mat as well.

 

I think there has been a way in which I have been leaping from peak to peak in my life. Graduate college, get a job, meet future husband, get married, buy a house, move to the suburbs, change careers, get divorced, start company…you get the point. Even in my transformational work, so much of my focus has been the art of letting go or the courage to begin again. But what about THIS moment? The fuzzy one in-between. The uncertain place that is neither coming or going. The medium that is most of my life. How do I be here?

 

The problem with here is that it is not defined or achievable. But here is where it all happens. It’s where I discover my direction, it’s where I build a capacity to sustain, it’s where I cultivate the courage to take risks. It’s where I connect.  And when I think back, all I got from those peak moments were memories and markers. But the guts of it all, that is in the wide-open space that is right now.

 

Historically, I have done everything to transition through this time as quickly as possible. To expedite these moments and manifest myself into the next big peak that will satisfy my need to feel accomplished, seen and significant. The uncertainty of in-between feels more intolerable than some of the worst events in my life. I am good at disaster or challenge or big change. But here, where it is nebulous, groundless and in-between…torture. 

 

But this time, I am choosing to be here. And I realize that being here is also spiritual pact. We agree to be here with a willingness to not understand the past or know the future. We agree not to move away or around this time but to stew in the endless uncertainty with curiosity. We agree to be compassionate in the face of all that is stuck, stagnant and unresolved.  And if we can do that, if we can stay here, I believe gradually we will untangle ourselves from the expectations, the “should’s”, the hooks (Pema calls it “shenpa” referring to our attachments) and open up to a field of possibilities beyond our imagination.

 

And in that space in-between, we can finally hear what our heart has been trying to tell us all along.

 

I will meet you there.